Shari

20 years together, 18 years after

“He was the healthiest person in the world. World-class rower. Marathon runner. He was a dentist and he was a brilliant guy. He worked at NYU Hospital. Started coughing. And I said, “Please get that cough checked out.” And he said, “Oh, I’m just out of shape. I need to work out harder.” And by the time he went to the doctor, he had stage four lung cancer. Never smoked, never took a Tylenol. The guy was the picture of health.

I was 47. He died right before our 20th anniversary. And a week before his 50th birthday.

The kids were 11, 14 and 17. So here he was, a professor; higher education was everything. He never saw any of his children graduate high school. He didn’t know where any of them went to college.

I made the kids go to a bereavement center called the Tree House of Westchester. We would go to this bereavement group for kids who had lost a parent; the kids would meet in one area and have pizza, and then the parents would go to another room and talk. It was good. It was very helpful. And the kids fought me tooth and nail! But I insisted. We did that for a year. I think it was a good idea.

I rarely cry. And a couple of days ago, my daughter Nina, who works in sports, texted and asked me if I could find any of my husband’s t-shirts from the University of Michigan—where he taught for eight years—that she could wear at the NCAA basketball championships. I have a box in the garage, and it’s labeled Jon’s Glory Days because my husband had kept all his shirts from his rowing competitions. I opened it and I just burst into tears. I was sitting on the floor in the garage just crying over these shirts that I hadn’t seen in a long while, especially the shirt he was wearing the day we met. So, I texted my daughter and I said, “Thanks a lot! I’m sitting on the garage floor in a puddle here.” She goes, “You’re welcome.”

Sometimes I’ll watch sad movies just because I want to cry. It’s hard for me to cry.

I have good dreams that are more like visits. My son Zach looks exactly like my husband. One time, after my husband died, I was sound asleep, and Zach, who had been at a party, came home and he just wanted me to know that he got home safe. He patted me on the back, and I opened my eyes and I said, “Oh, Jon, you’re alive!” And he said, “No, mama, it’s me, Zach.” It was just that they look so much alike. Then there’s the hug—they hug in exactly the same way. And like his dad, Zach is six feet two inches tall.

My husband was such a calm and kind person. Zach was a baseball player in high school. One time, we were at one of his games during the period when Jon was dying. He was bundled up wearing a blanket and we would sit far away from people because we didn’t want the germs. And he was bald and so thin. So, this woman from our rather snooty town came over to us, “Hey Jon, how’s it going?” And he goes, “It’s going good, Frances. How are you?” And she goes, “Oh, we were in Spain on vacation and my daughter lost her passport, and we had to stay in Spain for three extra days.” And my husband just very calmly said: “That’s a good problem to have, Frances.” So now I use that line all the time. Like, that’s a good problem to have, Frances.

Somebody said to my husband at a baseball game of Zach’s, “Hey Jon, new outfit? You lost some weight? New hairdo? Lookin’ good!” And Jon said, “I have lung cancer., Mark.”

My circle of friends has gotten smaller.

My father died when I was three. The day I met Jon, it was at the JCC and we were playing volleyball. He had just won a gold medal in rowing at an international regatta. He was like, gorgeous. I remember saying to myself, I’m going to marry him. He’s never going to die. I knew that I didn’t want to be like my mother who was widowed at 36.

I would go to psychics because I wanted messages from my husband. And I found that kind of helpful. I had some relief from that. The bereavement group was helpful. I would read things about life after death, that kind of stuff gave me comfort.

Playing the piano is my joy. I go to an assisted living facility and I play in the memory care area where my mom ended up. I love those people. I’m an entertainer and it’s so much fun. And I just love it. That’s a really nice thing, and I always feel like my mom is with me. So—I’m a piano player. And I knit and I make hats. I’m a hat maker. I keep very busy!

My advice? Be grateful. Look for things that you’re grateful for and don’t go down a bitter path. It’s so easy to become bitter. So, look for the gratitude, which is what I do, and surround yourself with friends who lift you up.

Boundaries and gratitude. And acceptance of what is. And be in the day.

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